Divorce is a major life event. Although society has rituals that guide us how to behave in other major life events such as marriage, birth of a child, death, there are no formalized rituals, standards of behavior or road maps to guide you through the challenging times ahead. Hire a knowledgeable attorney with whom you feel comfortable expressing both fears and aspirations about this life change. Collaboratively trained attorneys have had training to have such discussions with you.

   Acknowledge the emotional component of divorce. Divorce is about more than dividing pots and plans and providing for the care and raising of your children. There are strong emotions at play that affect how you and your spouse react to any given situation. It is normal to have good days and bad days. Some days, it will be easy to think with a clear head and plan for the future. Other days, you might feel down or fearful about where you are and where you are going. On those days, you might be tempted to act on impulse or respond to a perceived threat which upon reflection on a good day does not seem realistic. Try to avoid making major decisions when you are not feeling in control of your emotions. Let your attorney know how you are feeling and try not to feel pressured into a decision.

   The path you take to divorce is a choice that has consequences for your entire family. Make the decision on a "good day". All divorces start with a Petition for Divorce and they all end with a Divorce Decree.
    The quickest and most inexpensive way to divorce is an uncontested divorce. That is where you and your spouse sit down "at the kitchen table" and directly negotiate the terms of your divorce. This works for people with not much property to divide, no separate property issues and an ability to tackle difficult decisions without getting sidetracked by past events and grievances.
   The other end of the spectrum is a contested divorce where the filing spouse requests a temporary hearing from a judge to make decision about who lives where, who pays what and when the kids are with whom. The respondent spouse is usually served with a restraining order that tells them pages of stuff that they shouldn’t do. This is scary and threatening to receive and immediately places that spouse on the defensive. There are potentially court hearings, social workers involved, depositions, arcane and inefficient information gathering practices used and then you end up in mediation after spending thousands of dollars in attorneys fees and both you and your spouse feel attacked and marginalized. Granted, this is an extreme case, however the reality is that litigation is about adversaries fighting in a court system designed more for contract disputes than facilitating the peaceful end of relationships.

   95% of cases settle outside of court. Knowing that, why not chose a process that from the outset is structured to create the best settlement possible for your entire family. Collaborative law is such a process. It is future looking and about problem solving. It is concerned with your moving from being a married person to being a single person with as much dignity and grace as possible. It is about helping you make decisions from your higher self not the shadow you filled with fears and what-ifs.

   Judges have too many cases to spend a lot of time on yours. Each family court has thousands of pending cases. Understandably, judges try to have procedures and policies which streamline what decisions that they do make. What does that mean to you? Judges have limited patience in hearing the minute details of your relationship. They will want to know what there is to divide and then they will divide it without wanting to hear all of the details that you might feel are important in making a decision. In my experience, judges rarely deviate from standard child support and child access schedules. And, the child support guidelines have nothing to do with the cost of raising a child. They are based on the earning capacity of the payor only. In short, the courthouse offers a cookie cutter solution one of the most important things that will ever happen to you.

   Counselors and psychologists really help you feel and cope better with the divorce. As a consequence, you have more "good days". They are your friend. They give you coping skills and let you see that what you are feeling is normal. You are not crazy if you see one. To the contrary, you are crazy if you have the money and you do not engage the services of a therapist, at least for a session or two. They can lessen the financial and emotional cost of your divorce by allowing you to function more effectively.

   Take everything that friends and relatives tell you about some case they know of (even theirs) with a grain of salt. Unless they are attorneys and were directly involved with the case, you can be assured that they don’t have all of the facts that went into whatever result they are telling you is a guidepost that you should use.

   Don’t assume motives. You will be able to maximize your settlement only if you know what you and your spouse’s true interests are. This often requires the help of professionals to uncover. Be willing to listen to your spouse, because only by listening will you be able to mine information that can be used to craft a settlement that best meets your needs. Collaborative law is based on this type of interest based negotiating.

   Divorce is about you learning how to derive your self identity from one that includes your spouse to one that does not. This is an opportunity for self transformation and growth. Don’t forget that you don’t have to reinvent the wheel. The bookstores are filled with books that can help you make this identity shift. Check them out.

Stay tuned.